Emotional Armor: Fear of Abandonment

    Fear of abandonment can often arise after a child experiences a traumatic loss. In my experience, this loss does not necessarily have to be a death, or even physical for that matter, but could also be a messy divorce, or an emotionally absent caregiver. If a child suddenly loses a parent they may become anxious about losing others.

This fear of being left manifested in several ways for me. The first, and most obvious, is difficulty trusting others. Throughout my life, I would enter into relationships telling myself not to get attached―since it wouldn't last. I literally built emotional armor for myself to keep people at a safe distance (or so I thought). Besides it being an exhausting experience, it left me feeling inauthentic and completely alone.

Usually, if my partner did one thing that upset me I would immediately cut off contact with them. I was so worried about being hurt that I wouldn't allow myself to be open with anyone―unintentionally hurting myself over and over again. It wasn't until I was seas apart from my husband that I realized what I was doing. I was deliberately sabotaging connections before things could become sour, so the pain wouldn't sneak up on me. 

Another way this fear presents itself is through people-pleasing behavior. It is hard for me to set boundaries, and even harder to say no. This can be extremely harmful, especially when someone is eager to take advantage of a person. If you're like me, you may find yourself saying "yes" to something for fear of rejection, or even just to avoid conflict.

I’m aware these anxieties and tendencies won’t change overnight, but recognizing them is a step in the right direction. I’m slowly trying to become comfortable saying no to people, and I hope you will too.